Living outside the nuclear family
My mother and father divorced when I was very young. That led to a unique situation for me. I grew up with two separate and distinct families. On thanksgiving I would go to my dad’s house, eat dinner with that family. On Christmas I would open presents at mom’s, then head over dad’s for dinner. I spent most of my time with my mom’s family and the occasional Sunday dinner/holiday dinner with my dad’s. It was a strange feeling recently when I was having dinner with my mom and others and we were discussing Christmas’s past. We, or should I say they, always had dinner in the basement dining room. I was astonished and claimed them all mad. We had always had dinner in the upstairs I said, and was pretty convinced I was right. Well, as it turns out, they had dinner in the downstairs when I was at my fathers. After my father passed away, they had switched to having dinner upstairs, which is when I started to join them.
It’s strange how life unfolds for us. We are bombarded, or at least when I was growing up we were, with the notion of the nuclear family. Father, mother, siblings, grand parents, and done. I’ve had several friends that had that experience and I’ve had several friends that grew up as I did, in a multi-family environment. I say multi-family in the sense that no members of my dad’s side really communicated with my mom’s side. It wasn’t that they didn’t get along, they just had no reason to talk. For me growing up in that environment, it really was two families. Two separate dynamics. One had a patriarch and one a matriarch. One had an educated, killer instinct mind set, one had a down to earth, salt of the earth feel.
So what, right? I had two families and that’s that. Close the book and end the blog. Well, the point really isn’t that I had two, the point is for all those that will have two, or more, in the future. Couples still get divorces in this day and age. Children will still grow up in non-nuclear family situations. What about those situations where parents are fighting to keep a family together with the thought it’s best for the child. Is that really the best solution? Should parents force themselves to remain in a failing marriage just to keep the nuclear family together? I think the answer is no.
Kids are very intelligent. They can perceive and pick up on even the subtlest of cues. If two parents are together, and miserable, that will translate to the children. How it will manifest is anyone’s guess, but it will put stress on everyone.
Should couples stay together for the kids? No. Absolutely not. Will it be hard on the children? Yes. The younger they are the harder it will be. But the question is will it be better to end things and spare them of the hardships that a troubled marriage will bring or bare with the relationship and trust in the nuclear family.
Even though my family was two. Even though my mother wasn’t with my father, I still ended up OK. I have an advanced degree, a good job, good salary and own my home. And yes, success is the benchmark. Why did I end up ok? Because my father and mother still parented me, even though they weren’t doing it under the same roof.
Co-Parenting in a divorced family is a somewhat new concept I believe. Even though the parents have decided to not be part of each other’s lives, they will always be part of their children’s lives. Coming to the agreement to no longer be married is no less important than coming to the agreement of how to parent a child. Agree to terms. Agree to responsibilities as parents. Communicate with your children what is going on at every step. They may be young but they are very intelligent.
Bottom line to this. Do what is right for you. Do what is right for your children. That does not mean subjecting yourself to 18 years of misery just so your children live in the same house as both parents do. You love your children, tell them that, shower them with it, agree to parent them with your ex and they will turn out just fine.
Just my two cents.
